But What If I Don't Want to Return to Business as Usual?

And other thoughts around attaining the mothering-life-business balance that I truly, deeply desire

Welcome, I’m Lindsay. The Slow Studio is a space I’ve created to write about my approach to slow(er) living as a design studio owner, multifaceted creative and first-time mother. Subscribe below to receive regular musings in your inbox, and keep up with me on Instagram, Pinterest and TikTok.

Last week I shut my business back down just as quickly as I’d eagerly opened up my books to take on clients in the new year.

I kindly cancelled discovery calls, I referred the inbox full of inquires to other talented design studios, and then I did something that surprised me:

I breathed a full, heaving, honest sigh of relief.

For the last seven years I’ve operated my brand and website design studio working with woman-owned lifestyle, beauty and e-commerce brands.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to experience success in my studio along with the flexibility (and of course, the inevitable stress) that goes hand-in-hand with business ownership.

After savoring the last three months of 2023 at home with my newborn daughter and on maternity leave from business, I believed that I was ready to ‘jump back in’ to work starting this year while honoring part-time hours. I believed that after three months, I would be ‘back to myself,’ eager and excited to begin designing again.

But the thing is, there is no going back to ‘myself,’ or at least the version of myself that existed prior to October.

I felt extreme self-imposed pressure to return to the studio after three months for fear that my work would be forgotten.

That I’d miss out on once-in-a-lifetime, dream client projects.

That clients would simply never come back around again.

(Well hello, ego)

I also felt a profound sadness at the thought of only giving fragments of my time but not my whole, best self to my daughter first and foremost, but also my clients.

I also felt strong, pervasive anxiety radiating through my body at the thought of missing out on any of these early, tender days with her in exchange for pushing a business forward that is wrapped up in so much of my perceived identity, but no longer feels like me.

I also felt a deep, full-bodied sense of dread – rather than the usual joy – each time a new client inquiry would hit my inbox.

I felt so damn much.

And now, for maybe the first time in my life, I’m choosing to acknowledge my feelings, to listen to how decisions feel in my body, and to walk away from running my studio the way I’ve always known for the next full year.

It’s not lost on me that I hold immense privilege in getting to choose to walk away from work as I’ve known it for the time being.

I carry around a lot of heavy guilt knowing that others don’t have the same choice, and it’s something that I wrestle with constantly.

But I’m looking at this stretch of year ahead and I see it as a beautiful opportunity to not only spend time with my daughter and pour into her spirit, but also as a season of necessary personal healing:

Healing my mind and setting side my ego more and more each day.

Healing my body and the trauma of experiencing postpartum preeclampsia.

Healing my relationship with work, dissolving the obsession with ‘productivity.’

I know in my soul that the mothering-life-work balance that I so deeply desire is possible. I know that I can ‘do it all’ – but for now, in this tender season, just not all at once.

My own words that I wrote back in 2022 – and now, a timely reminder.

So, if you’re reading this and you’ve made it this far, I have one thing to ask of you, dear reader: will you help hold me accountable?

I’m speaking all of this newfound change and slowing down into existence publicly – as terrifying as that is – because I know that I’ll need support in the stillness.

My mind runs wild in the stillness – envisions whole business plans, even – but the thing is…now is not the season for wildness. Now is the season for my whole-hearted presence in motherhood, softening to it and letting it mold me into who I need to be.

Here’s to having the courage and boldness to step away from what I’ve known and into the new, beautiful unknown.

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